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n my work, I hear so many stories from parents.  Here’s one that I think about often.  This mom who brought her little girls to class told me that when she was about 8 years old, she performed in her first recital.  She got to wear her beautiful, silky, fluffy, white dress.  As she tried to get herself seated on the piano bench, up on the stage, with everyone watching, her silky dress became a waterfall and she slid right off the back of the bench and onto the floor.  She was mortified.  It was her worst nightmare.  In front of EVERYONE.  She never played again.

On the other hand, some people love to perform.

They feel at home on stage, with everyone watching. Some of their best music is created during a performance. Believe it or not, this is a real thing.

A lot, I might guess most, people do not enjoy performing in front of any kind of audience. Their palms start to sweat at the thought of being on a stage.  They might get physically ill at the idea of performing for even a few people in a room.

There are plenty of musicians who want to share their music, but who struggle with nerves to the point of giving up on their dreams of ever doing it.

Then there are people you might think enjoy performing, but who, in spite of all kinds of fame and success, continue to struggle with performance anxiety.

Living my entire life around musicians, I’ve seen it all.  And as a lifelong musician, I’ve experienced all of these emotions at one time or another.

I knew as a very little girl that I wanted to grow up and sing in a band.  My big sisters would watch American Bandstand every Saturday morning and I dreamed of being just like Karen Carpenter.  I played her records over and over and tried to sing just like her.  My mom told me that if I learned to play the piano first, I would be able to do anything I wanted musically.  And she was so smart!  As I became more and more proficient on the piano, I thought maybe I’d be like Carole King or Elton John.  In my teens I idolized Linda Ronstadt, Diana Ross and Barbara Streisand.  I would sing my heart out in my room or in the shower.  And while the vacuum cleaner was running.  But I could not sing in front of my mother – or anyone else.  Not if I knew they were listening.  I was sure some horrible thing would happen and I would cease to exist.  When I was 9, my choir director wanted me to sing a single note, and I hid behind my chair.  Very cool.  I know.
Eventually I muscled my way through the anxiety and became a performer.  But for many years I continued to experience terrible anxiety every time I performed.
Finally I decided I’d finally sing in a band.  My taste had changed, and I really wanted to sing jazz.  I sat in at open mics for months.  Sometimes no one could hear me.  Sometimes no one clapped at all.  And always I nearly tripped on my way off the stage in my high heels because I was just so nervous.  Then one night after I sang, a friend told me I had done a really good job.  He said, “That was a really good song for you.”  Later I sang again, and he said, “It’s not the song.  It’s you.  You’re finally getting over your fear.”  From there I went on to really enjoy singing jazz in all kinds of venues.  I learned how to give my music as a gift.  It was so. much. fun!
Miss Holly
But why should anyone have to suffer until they’re 40 years old before they feel comfortable doing the thing they love?
I’ve come to believe that there are ways to help our kids have a better experience if they decide they want to perform.  But really, being a musician doesn’t mean you have to perform at all if you don’t want to.  It was awhile before I learned that there are actually people who love to play music and sing, but who don’t want to perform.  At all.  No desire.  Go figure.  That’s a real thing too.
Either way, I believe our kids should be able to decide if they want to, and have an easier time with whichever thing they want.  Performing publicly, or performing privately.  Either one is good, valid, legitimate, and can bring a person a ton of joy throughout their life.
There are some things we can do to set our babies up for their best chance at being happy with whatever they choose.
  1. Let your baby see you try, fail, try again, and have fun doing it.
  1. Let them experience making music just for fun, without being expected to perform for an audience.
  2. Let them hear you sing your heart out. ( I get it, you might have some performance anxiety too.  But if you can get yourself to sing your heart out to your baby, who is totally not judging you, it’ll do your baby tons of good)
  3. Don’t be nervous about your kids’ progress.  Don’t worry if they’re playing perfectly, and try your best not to nit-pick at their practicing.  Playing is the most effective way for kids to learn.  And “Playing” music needs to be fun and carefree.
  4. Try not to comment on other performers.  Your comments about other people will deeply affect how your child feels about their own worth.
  5. Let their performances, when they do come along, be low-key.  For little children, performing should only be about them having a fun time sharing music with their friends. And try to avoid silky white dresses 🙂
A lot of times it’s the anxiety of the grown-ups that makes kids nervous, and even want to quit.  They feel like they can never meet the expectations.  And they don’t have the language skills to tell us.  We can do a lot to help our kids to have a good experience performing by letting go of our expectations for perfect performances.  “Playing” music should be fun.  Kids who have fun and feel loved and safe when they perform, and when they play in private, are more likely to keep learning, and to improve over time. Most importantly, your kids’ early memories with you and with music will help them to feel your love, and to develop confidence and empathy.
1.  Let your baby see you try, fail, try again, and have fun doing it.
2. Let them experience making music just for fun, without being expected to perform for an audience.
3.  Don’t compare your kids to anyone else – for better or worse.  Comparison is the enemy of self-confidence.
Sometimes it’s the anxiety of the grown-ups that makes kids nervous, and even want to quit.  They feel like they can never meet the expectations.  We can do a lot to help our kids to have a good experience performing by letting go of our expectations for perfect performances.  “Playing” music should be fun.  Kids who have fun and feel loved and safe when they perform, or play in private, are more likely to keep learning, and to improve over time.

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